


Shadow and Thought

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-18
Updated: 2007-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-07 19:41:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/68512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rimmer muses on the effect Ace's visit has had on their lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shadow and Thought

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was randomly inspired by a line from Lord Of The Rings...  
> 'It is but a shadow and a thought that you love. I cannot give you what you seek.' – Aragorn.

 

 

It’s all Ace’s fault.  I know if I voiced this opinion you’d immediately leap to his defence, reminding me how he saved us all and telling me how grateful I should be towards that intolerable bastard.  I know you’ve never been able to understand my loathing for the man.  You view the universe in a very different way than I do and I don’t suppose that will ever change.  You try to see the best in everyone – I’ve watched you try to appeal to a simulant’s better nature, for smeg’s sake.  You may call it optimism if you like; I call it delusional. 

            Before Ace came you were never deluded about me.  You knew me for what I was – a cowardly, snivelling weasel.  You knew it, accepted it and forgave it, as is your soft-hearted way.  You pitied me more than you despised me.  That all changed when he showed up.  Suddenly you weren’t willing to accept old Arnie J. for who he was anymore.  Oh no, you were convinced that you’d finally seen the best in me and that it was far, far better than you’d been led to expect.  I see you looking at me with frustration now as if I’m just not _trying_ hard enough.  Thanks to that spaniel-haired nonce you’ve got it into your head that there’s a hero buried somewhere inside me, which is quite frankly claptrap.  

            You’ve never been able to understand that Ace only got where he is through the smeggy luck of the draw.  You were too busy admiring the sun shining out of his stupid lurex-clad backside to realise that it’s not about who he is, it’s about what he had – which is everything that I didn’t.  Including those hair straighteners I always wanted.  I suppose I could find a pair somewhere on the ship, but it’s too late for that now.  I’d just end up with you and your pussy pal sniggering at me, thinking that I’m trying to look like Ace and judging me as a poor imitation of my own self.  You don’t seem to be able to accept the fact that _I don’t want to be Ace_.  I just want to be me – a me I can live with.  A me that you could...well, no point dwelling on that, is there?

            But being you, you just have to keep on hoping, don’t you?  Every time we’re in a tight spot I see you watching me, wondering if this will be the day, waiting for him to burst out in all his heroic glory and save us.  Well, it’s not going to happen.  He’s not in here, miladdo, he never was; and gazing at me with those big, hopeful brown eyes isn’t going to draw him out. 

            Before he came along you had come to terms with what I was.  Perhaps in time I could have too.  I used to see a gentle tolerance in your face when you looked my way.  I was content with that; it meant I could believe that in time it might be something more.  Now what I see fills me with bile because I know in my heart how misguided you are.  Always the romantic fool, you’ve fallen in love with the idea that deep down I’m somebody like him;and that is something I can never overcome.  Now I will never be good enough for either of us.  He walked into our lives and ruined everything with a smile and a flick of his hair.   

            And I hate him. I hate him so much.


End file.
